In search of lost lazy time

At the beginning of June, I wrote in my diary how I didn’t want this summer to be about travel, or fun, or sex, or adventure. What wanted back was time. Where has my time gone? Why were the days so long and languid back then, but now they seem to fly by in an instant? And why is it that I have to fight to get that time back? Nothing kills leisure like saying to yourself: I only have 30 minutes to relax!

It could simply be the effects of getting older. I recall summers of my youth, which were busy enough between summer school theatre productions and early cross country practices. Yet somehow I had time to sit in the park lackadaisically for what seemed like hours rambling with a few fellow misfits about absolutely nothing. Later on in my twenties, I remember a particularly warm summer afternoon lounging in a friend’s Hells Kitchen apartment drinking wine while hours dripped slowly by. Then my friend said, “Let’s go second-act the matinee of Grease…”

It’s a phenomenon I could never explain to my 24-year-old self because he would probably look at me like I was insane: Time, my friend, will speed up as you get older. Those things you want to do, do them now.

So, this summer my effort has been to slow time a bit. Like many, I see leisure as a luxury most people can’t afford. And that is probably true. I’d say I’m one of the lucky ones who has that option. It is one of the reasons why I never had kids. And yet, even being single and childless, I find my days are sucked dry by endless menial tasks. I can’t really break things down to five easy steps to getting your time back this summer. But since this blog is about notes, I’ll touch on some efforts below:

Minimizing obligations. Being seasonal, my work tends to die down in July and August. We’ll see though, I’ve yet to break into the music festival scene. So I am intentionally keeping my daily commitments to as few as possible. If and when I must leave the house, I give myself plenty of time to do what I need to do. With these long stretches of Daylight Saving Time, this is more possible.

Rise early, get ‘er done. This is my biggest struggle. I just returned from a week teaching at summer camp. An exhausting experience, but extremely fulfilling. And seeing as I am no longer 22, it has taken me a full week to recover sleep wise. My body still wants to stay up late and hang out with my staff and counselors. It also wants to return my morning routine of morning walks with the dog, working out, and clearing my inbox by mid-morning. Overall, if I can fulfill my work and fitness obligations by noon I am in decent shape to have a slower rest of the day.

Tap out, or attune? The news is bad. It’s been bad. The daily horror of daily hell. Again, being in a privileged place means I am able to tap out when I can. Some would find this unacceptable. And believe me, I’ve had several discussions about this in therapy. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t pour from an empty cup. That self-care is not a luxury, but is in fact a necessity. And if you stare into the darkness long enough it will indeed consume you. I could pile on more adages, but you get what I mean. You can call it tapping out. I call it attuning. Deliberately stopping and remembering that our brains never adapted to consuming this much bad news. There is a lot of bad, but amidst the bad there is also good. There are things that are working. That is where I must focus.

Evenings are sacred. I will happily step outside on a summer evening. The mosquitos are elated to see me. We have passed the summer solstice, and I know the days are getting incrementally shorter. To me, time seems to pause somewhere between afternoon and evening. That is the sweet spot to me. If I somehow miss that moment, I feel like I’m missing the day. 

Call it my long lost Spanish ancestry, or call it me in search of lost lazy time, but this has been my ongoing effort this summer. I have had mixed results. I was actually quite busy throughout the month of June. And as I mentioned above my week at summer camp was anything but leisurely. 

As I write these word, ConEdison has shut the power off in my house for schedule maintenance. I have almost no cell service at home, and you actually realize how the eerily quiet the house is without the constant hum of appliances running. I’ve stood up, sat down, let the dog out. I can’t really eat because I must keep the refrigerator shut. I sat with a book. I picked up my iPad to type this out because the voices in my head wanted a place to go. 

Perhaps my mind is anti-leisure.

Also, hello again. I’ve once again neglected this blog and website that I’ve had for over 26 years now. This last year-and-a-half-or-so has been about my mental health. And while I’ve managed to stay creative during a truly devastating time in my country, cranking out blog posts and social media was not part of my recovery. Seems fitting to re-enter this online space now, even if I am actively trying to remove things from my plate. I’ve tightened my social media presence, and I have no Patreon or Substack to sell you. The few eyes I might have on this blog, welcome back to my early internet style musings.