Category: Notes

July 21 – Lessons at 42

It’s my birthday today. Entering my forties wasn’t the easiest thing. It wasn’t that I was getting older, it was that many things in my life that I had thought of as dependable and rock-solid turned out to be not so. Friends I thought were my ride-or-dies turned out to be not even “ride.” Okay, so I had to make some changes, and I did. Despite the world being a chaotic mess, I’ve managed to move forward in ways I never thought possible. Yes, I had to let a few friends go, but letting go is sometimes just what a friendship needs. A few have come back. Some have stayed gone. I move on…

While I definitely don’t have it all together, there are a few lessons I’ve learned at 42. These are, of course, general life lessons that I’m continuing to evolve with and not directed to any one person in particularly.

It’s not always obvious, but getting older is a blessing.

Honestly, my life is pretty darn good, overall. Still, life has pulled the rug out from underneath me quite a few times. You really can’t learn resilience unless you’ve been knocked down. Getting up, dusting off, and moving on is part of getting older. You can learn to see the blessing in that.

Don’t tell me, show me.

This has been one of the harder ones because I generally take people at their word. But these days, I watch what people do much more than what they say. Words have much more meaning when paired with action.

If they wanted to, they would.

That’s pretty much it. The next time you’re wondering why they haven’t called, texted, shown up… see above.

Stop chasing.

I’ve pretty much stopped chasing things, people, love, acceptance, approval, achievement. They might be worth working towards, but they’re not worth chasing after.

Every workout and healthy meal is with an eye towards my 65-year-old self. 

I’m around older folks a lot, and as they all say: aging ain’t for sissies. Time is coming for all of us, and for me it’s all about healthy choices I make now and how they play out in 20 years. It’s a roll of the dice, and you want the odds in your favor.

Moisturizer and sunscreen. Every day.

Every day. Also, hydrate.

You don’t have to let your 13-year-old self dictate the rest of your life.

This one I hit me many years ago when an actor friend of mine said “I decided to do this when I was 13. What does the adult version of me want now?” I ask myself the same question when it comes to life choices, reactions, even my own body image issues. Is this the 13-year-old in me reacting? What does the adult me want? 

I can’t make myself more miserable in order to make others happier.

This one can get complicated, but I’ve learned a few times (and the hard way) that some people will undermine your happiness because of their own dissatisfaction in life. Don’t let them. You can’t dim your own light thinking it’ll make someone else’s brighter.

Dedicate yourself to your own personal mission(s) and align yourself with those who share similar missions.

This is especially true for those of us that are ambitious, driven, productive. Instead of dedicating all your time and energy to one person, organization, or company, understand that things can and will change. None of us can do it all alone, but there are moments where you’ll have to adjust. Knowing where your true north is makes that adjustment much more clear.

Change often means people will say “what’s with you?” Nothing is “with” me, this is me.

Get ready for the cocked heads, cranked necks, and furrowed brows. Change comes with a variety of these looks.

Life is hard, but life is also beautiful. There is still a lot of good in the world.

It’s hard out there. It’s hard to see it, but there is a lot of good out there and it’s worth fighting for. Stop doom-scrolling and go for a walk. It takes mental clarity and balance to thrive when the world seems to be always on fire.

Eat more vegetables. And oats, oats are really good for you.

‘Nuff said.

Again, these are on the general side and don’t often apply across the board. I’m still learning as I go, and I’m grateful for another year in a decade that is being good to me.

June 16 – Back to feeling human

We are definitely full speed into summer around my neck of the woods. The days have become long and warm. The evenings remain cool, which is nice. The upstairs part of my home tends to warm up in the heat of the day, then takes a few hours to release that heat into the cool of the evening. Our windows stay open, welcoming that release.

Since being sick last week, this is the first week I’ve felt human again. I took a quick trip down to Little Ethiopia in Los Angeles to meet my friend, Charles. We’d intended to try a bunch of food and visit the vintage shops along Fairfax. As ever, my timing was off and the shops all seemed to be closed. We did hop into a restaurant called Rosalind’s and ordered a dish called Vegan Glory, which we promptly devoured. Very tasty.

I was also happy to do some thrift shopping this week. Thrifting is my only hobby I haven’t tried to make into a career. And I’m quite aware just how much the thrift/vintage world has changed even in the last few years. What used to be a fairly cheap hobby has been turned into a so-called treasure hunt by online resellers. Grandpa’s 501s and Grandma’s depression glass are increasingly harder to find. These used to be the cheap collectables. Now they’re hot items on reselling sites. I didn’t find any of my usual treasures. I did pick up a few books. Being a gay uncle to seven-year-olds, I pick up books that are slightly above their reading level so that we always have reading as an activity when they’re over for a visit.

Friday evening was a trip to the Ahmanson Theatre at the Music Center in LA, to see A Strange Loop. I saw this musical on Broadway a couple of years ago, and I was interested to see how I’d react to it this time around. My brother, who was with me this time, didn’t particularly enjoy it. I’ve heard mixed reactions from friends as well. Personally, I find it reductive to leave an experience and simply stamp it as “I liked it” or “I didn’t like it.” I’ve studied theatre my entire life (I even have a degree in it) and I have to be okay with allowing a piece to make me think. Just because I’m not humming the lyrics on my way out, doesn’t mean the show is a failure. In this case of A Strange Loop, I really like the music and the ensemble cast. Parts of the show I find challenging probably in the fact that they weren’t particularly meant for me to consumed easily. Theatre is meant to make you think.

I ended the week with family over to enjoy the lengthening evenings. I grilled a bunch of vegetables that had been sitting in the fridge, and even experimented grilling tofu on a cedar plank. We poured rose and sat outside. The world is chaotic right now, but I’ll take good days with my family while I have them. Nothing but gratitude.

May into June

Funny thing about this blog that basically no one reads is that I feel free to update this corner of the internet with whatever I want, while also feeling like I have no obligation to actually keep the updates coming. I’ve been on-again-off-again with this blog/webpage for nearly 25 years now. This year, however, I decided to keep the posts coming, mostly as a log for myself and to be of use for any future developments that may arise.

As it happens, the last month since I posted has been a marathon of work, busy-ness, and rest, followed by a week of being completely on my ass due to a nasty cold. I rarely get sick, and certainly a cold wouldn’t been manageable while still leaving me able to work. This was a lovely combination of cold and flu symptoms. I’m not quite sure what I had contracted, but I had to proactively make myself stop and focus on recovery. Powering through such things can actually put you at risk for even worse health moving forward.

Finishing up the month of May meant finishing up my run as official photographer for the LA County Fair. This is definitely one of my defining gigs of the year. A treat and a challenge. I loved the Fair this year, and everyone I knew who came down to experience it talked about how impressed they were. I actually miss the fun once it’s over.

Post-Fair, I drove to the desert house for Memorial Day weekend to cook vegan food for our annual neighborhood barbecue there. This was much anticipated for me, and I had practiced making my whole roasted cauliflower on the smoker many times. On the big bbq day, I was met with quite a few curious glances as I loaded in and prepped the cauliflower. The gentlemen grilling meat right next to me snuck over for a taste. Apparently it was a hit, with almost none left once the line had come through. I was happy about that.

Coming back from the desert meant running headlong into June, Pride month, and the start of summer activities. I spent the day at WeHo Pride doing my own street photography, which as a nice change from my constant work photography mindset. I’d like to share a few of those shots in a separate post. A few days after Pride, began to feel sick and that’s when I signed off. I’m feeling much better now, and back to my grind.

One thing I’ve learned over the past many years is knowing when to stop. I don’t often like doing it, but I’d rather do it voluntarily rather than have the universe force me to.

April 7-13, 2024

This has been one of the busier weeks of the year for me. Event photography is my main business and it tends to be seasonal, so now is when many spring gatherings and galas tend to be underway. Starting out there was the California State Thespian Festival, an annual gathering of high school theatre students from across the state. There are competitions in acting, singing, dance, and technical theatre. There are dozens of workshops, performances, and leadership opportunities within the California State Thespians.

This was a favorite festival of mine back in high school. In fact, my theatre teacher has since retired but is still highly involved in the Educational Theatre Association, which helps theatre educators continue to provide good programs to their students. She is one of the several familiar faces I got to see there. I saw many more friends and colleagues who were teaching workshops during day two of the festival.

Anyone who knows me knows that my background is in theatre. All my artistic endeavors seem to start there. And I can’t emphasize enough just how important arts education–particularly theatre arts education–is for young people. This isn’t just a chance for kids to express excess energy. This is hands-on learning skills that apply across all career fields, including those elusive “soft” skills that are so hard to teach (empathy, listening, being present, etc.). A particular bonus is all the technical skills learned in the theatre arts. It truly is a head start in a rapidly changing world.

There was that little eclipse thing. There wasn’t much excitement here in SoCal. I noted the little crescent moon shadows in during peak eclipse time, then watched the live coverage on TV. I agree with many others that there is something nice about thousands of people coming to view such a major event.

The rest of this week has been essentially a marathon of photo days. (I resist the term “shoot” more and more as I continue working in this profession.) I could say more, but out of respect for my clients, I try to keep quiet until I’m done editing photos and delivering them. There are so, so many to edit and process. Thankfully, I’m pretty fast in that department.

This has been such a change of pace from the first few months of the year when all is essentially dead. When I seriously begin to doubt my choices while the days are still short and spring still seems far away. It’s definitely a good reminder of the seasonality of life. Right now is more of a harvesting season, as I see the fruits of several years’ work of planting seeds, nurturing relationships, developing best practices, and following through. Come summer, the harvest will slow and I’ll have to embrace a new season.

Eclipse Day In SoCal

It wasn’t as exciting in our neck of the woods. But I do remember the phenomenon of the light making little crescent moons through the trees.

Some people use a colander. I liked this for some simple black and white shots.

Matt

“…it will change your relationship to it.”

I’ve seen a prominent content creator on TikTok proclaim, in a rather matter-of-fact manner, that once you start doing the thing you love as a job, all the joy gets immediately sucked out of it. That you may love a certain art, craft, hobby, or passion, but once you start depending on it for a living it more or less ruins that love you had for it. I don’t entirely agree with him, but I can’t say I disagree either. 

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who moved back to Ohio in the last year. His passion is music, voice, and theatre. He went from living in Los Angeles where he was mainly a personal trainer and online voice coach, back to his home state where he soon got a job as an adjunct voice professor. He also started performing again, landing lead roles in major local theatre productions. I told him how excited I was that all these opportunities started happening for him even though he wasn’t exactly thrilled about this big move home. 

“Yeah, but I’m still broke,” he said, “the arts…”

He trailed off, not finishing the thought, but I knew what he meant. I’ve met the frustration many times myself. Both he and I were really lucky to have found artistic talents as children, and to have parents who supported and encouraged our pursuit of them. I should add that an artistic talent is one thing. Actually having drive and discipline to hone a craft is something else, something I believe he and I both had as young people. Despite the cliche story of the unsupportive parent—as in, the plot of the film “Sister Act 2: Back In the Habit”—I find most parents want to support their kids’ artistic ambitions. Most parents like their kids performing, drawing, painting, or filmmaking. What I find most parents are not aware of is the reality of a career in the arts over a lifetime. How does your child subsist or even thrive in a world where creative careers are still seen as hobbies? Where fame and celebrity is worshipped, but for everyone else it’s seen as unstable and unserious? Where creative expertise is regularly undervalued and artists are asked to work for exposure?

One of the most frustrating endeavors of my life has been figuring out how to make a living without it feeling like a daily slog of monotonous undertakings. I’m not comforted by corporate structures. I know, because I’ve had office jobs. I consider myself extremely lucky that my photography career has started to finally work in the last few years since pandemic lockdowns were lifted. But it took me this long, and many failed day jobs, and at least one failed relationship along the way.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a boss I had while working in a menswear store around 2016. He was a good boss, and I felt bad because I knew he liked having me there. Meanwhile, I wished I was anywhere else but folding and refolding expensive shirts. I’d told him how I was working on a photography business because I felt like I was pretty good at it and could make something out of that. “Listen,” he said as I rearranged ties on display, “any passion you do for work, it will change your relationship to it.”

He was right. But I’ve never found that advice to be deflating. If anything, it has reminded me to set proper expectations and boundaries. I am dedicated to my career, but I’m not a photographer twenty four-seven. Whereas when I was studying theatre, music, and dance, almost every moment of my day was in anticipation of the next class, the next rehearsal, the next audition—which was all in anticipation of some grand career of the in the distance somewhere. And any type of criticism from anyone about my voice, my technique, my body, I immediately internalized and took personally. These days, I’m able to know what is appropriate to listen to and when. I provide a service. Yes, I have to be a bit vulnerable in the process, but I don’t fall apart at the slightest hint that things aren’t working quite right. I can course correct fairly easily.

I don’t think all the joy gets drained out of your passion once it becomes your career. It simply changes your relationship to it. Making a living from the arts in a capitalistic society means you also have to embrace some level of commercial appeal to what you do. Very few people can make a living from being iconoclastic rebels, reinventing the wheel at each and every turn. I’ve known of a few of these people in my lifetime. (People seem to always want to throw money at them.) And that has never been me.

Life goes by blurringly fast. Pursue a passion while you can. It may not be your career, and in most cases it probably shouldn’t be. To me, it’s worse to have watched time go by without ever reaching for something that fills you with life, and maybe even a taste of bliss. 

Seasons, reaping, and sowing

The summer slump–that period between from somewhere in August to somewhere in September–has seemingly ended for me. August had a restless feeling. The sun suspended motionless in the afternoon sky. Clients all on vacation, so no work coming in. I did my best to keep the creativity in flow during the long, luxurious afternoons. Almost under our noses, the days begin to shorten. The sunsets come sooner. The mosquitos still manage to bite. Fall comes in.

Now I’m going back to client work. The first was at Angel Stadium in Anaheim for an event. A casual, yet extravagant, evening for wealthy donors to a non-profit held on the actual field of the stadium. I had to steal a quick selfie in the dugout, which was where I was to store my camera bag for the night.

I’ve been thinking of a clip I saw online of someone saying “you can’t always be in the reaping or harvest stage of life” and it really struck me. On some level, it’s something I already knew, but somehow never full had heard it articulated as such.

When I was younger, all I wanted was success. I had worked hard in college. Moved to the big city to pursue my dreams. Networked with the right people. I even made some really great friends. Yet, I was shocked that I wasn’t swimming in success. I knew I was talented and I knew I liked to work hard. So why weren’t opportunities falling from the sky? I waited for the phone to ring. I floated from day job to day job. For so many years I was focused solely on the reaping without really focusing on the sowing.

As a gardener, I knew this! I knew this as the years came and went, a few “somedays” came and went. Now, as I start booking my regular clients for fall events, I recognize that the only way I can do so confidently is because of seeds I sowed long ago. Seeds sown, by the way, in the face of personal adversity. I lost a relationship then, and friends of mine fell away. (I’m not saying you should sacrifice relationships to pursue a dream, but that is just how it played out for me.)

These are just reminders that there are indeed seasons to life. I may be having a harvest year of sorts, and it’s a good idea to think of planting new seeds as the year winds down. Lately, that has been reminding people around me that, while I am extremely grateful for my photography career, it is not the only thing I do. I’ve been playing and posting more music while looking for more opportunities to perform again.

Pictures of Nothingness

I have shared less and less of my personal photography work on social media lately. My client work has taken off this year, but I’ve found myself hesitant to share anything outside the scope of what I do for my clients.

I know I’m not the only one who feels that the large social media platforms have changed so much, enough to feel that they no longer have the users’ best interests in mind. I won’t lie and say that Instagram, Tumblr, Flickr didn’t help improve as a visual artist. Sharing my work there helped me build confidence, take risks, find a voice. I also bought into what happened there, too. The people going from artists to “brands” to “influencers.” The photos in exchange for “free” watches. The purchased followers (never did that) and the mad dash to hack your way to a large following.

Things got lost in that process. I’ve studied visual art my entire life, and learned to see the world around me as creative inspiration. That started to become the cliche—doing it for the ‘gram. As in constantly seeking the most visually stimulating thing to post.

I’m trying to remember what it is like to simply make photos as visual meditations again. Pictures of nothingness and that don’t serve an outright agenda. Work that documents. Work that is my own mix of influences that follow me everywhere: Salvador Dali, Vivian Maier, Leonardo Da Vinci, Henri Cartier-Bresson, and lots of musical theatre.

Social media isn’t all bad, but it’s also not that great either. Instagram in particular was built of the work of photographers, then became saturated by media and Meta’s attempt to appropriate ever other app out there. I’m sticking around with a few selfies, and some updates on various projects. I still believe in building a long-haul audience, in having a space like this to post quality content. It’s extra work, but I’m keeping this site exactly for that.

New year, new me?

It has been quite awhile since I’ve posted anything here. To tell you the truth, I’ve had this URL since about 2000 and haven’t added much to it. It used to be a catch-all site for my fledgling acting career back then. Then came the rise of the blog, then the rise of what we called the micro-blog, the then the rise of the social network, and that became the rise of the social media. Now seems to be the fall of social media as we know it, with some of the most reliable platforms seeming to fall under their own weight…or onto their own swords. I still love them, despite that everyone seems to regard them as “hell-scapes”. All this is to say that now seems to be more important of a time to keep one’s own website updated with quality content and connection.

Where have I been? Well, it’s nothing serious. After several years of building a freelance photography career, only to have it put completely on hold at the start of the pandemic, things have been back. I wasn’t doing all that well during the long stretches of lockdown months. For any creative person who found that time to be ultra-productive, great for you. Despite my introverted nature, I found my anxiety to be barely manageable and I had almost no ability to actually concentrate on a single project. In fact, I think I just got my brain back within the last year or so.

But, yes, things have been back since last fall. I’ve built relationships with a handful of new clients who have been fantastic and who have kept me busy. I expected maybe a few bookings last fall, but the phone kept ringing right up through the holidays and into this year. I’m a very lucky photographer because I know a lot of us went out of business in 2020.

It’s been a year of shifts. No, it’s not January, but I think of this time of year as a New Years in many ways. My birthday is in summer, and I tend to take stock of myself and my year around June/July. Many shifts began about a year ago when I was approaching a big birthday. Friends I had regarded as ride-or-die seemed not to be “ride” at all, and I had to sort of quietly let them go. A family member was in the midst of a health crisis and I spent several weeks in the hospital with them during a record heatwave in Southern California. (They are doing much better now.) What I thought would be a joyful celebration of me entering into a new decade surrounded by friends actually had me feeling very alone. Most plans I had made to welcome this next stage of my life all seemed to fall completely through amidst a bad COVID wave.

Things can, and do, change. I had to accept that as I watched relationships in my life shift. As I watched my priorities realign around certain people. As I understood that by embracing my own personal growth I had to course-correct certain precedents I had set around how I had always allowed myself to be treated before. I’m risking this post becoming a bit long and cliche, but that is sort of it in a nutshell.

Again, as social networks continue to annoy and/or disappoint their users, I am aiming to be more committed to this space. I’ve never been much of a writer, but I’d rather my words and quality creative efforts go here.

Helianthus, summer suns, fire colors

Early July, my birthday month. In Southern California this means the ever earlier beginning of what we call fire season, historically reserved for dry fall months. I’m not an ecologist, but someone who is outside a lot. Someone who pays attention to the land, photographs it, and notices the ongoing changes over the years. Needless to say, growing up here we didn’t have months on end of skies amber with smoke. But that’s a post for another day.

Closeup of a yellow sunflower.
A small, but large sunflower blooming.

Independence Day fireworks came and went. I’ve passed on them yet again to mind the sanity of my dogs for the evening, plus I can’t stand the poor air quality the next day. I choose instead to admire the small sunflower bursting open in my container garden. These Helianthus have been surprisingly more work than I’m used to, needing extra care and water in an already hot summer. But the blooms I do love.

A closeup of a red sunflower.

These little summer suns. Among the fire colors I have spilling out of pots and small patches in my garden. The only fire colors I’m hoping to see in yet another year of climate records shattering. I’ll be keeping an eye on the landscape as we carry on through it.